the Killer Inside me

(prepping the course)

Granogue hurt me, deep.  and I'm happy about that.   I finished 15th day one, and 22nd day two.

sunrise, early to set up the tent site.  I was a Minion at peace.   

well out of where, maybe tenth, that I expected of myself.   and I don't really know why.  I know I went as hard as I could.  I wallowed in my hurt, almost fighting every to push every pedal stroke harder.

Photo by Dennis Smith

Jim Thompson's novel is about what goes on inside what to appears to be a normal human.

Photo by Dennis Smith

and in all my retrospective thinking, I did wonder, If maybe I could hate or have anger, the burning urge to whomp some whoop ass on someone, that it'd give me strength, drive, divert me from my self loathing suffering and place the blame outside of me.

Photo by Dennis Smith

I don't really have too many demons burrried inside my head,  I do want to be the fastest by, ... being the fastest.... maybe its mental toughness, better training, less beer, riding diary, more sleep.
all things I could do.
but.... maybe,   Me,   maybe I'm happy to have this unsatisfied loathing,
to want to do better,
cause, ... ya know,... I don't know why.  yet

Photo by Dennis Smith

one thing my wife told me, that I learned about myself.  That when I've won a race, that I made excuses of why, and that when I don't do well, is all logical, cognitive, hard facts of circumstances.

you'll find Jim Thompson to be one of the great Americas writers

cheers, david

No comments: